this much I know

I've learned some things about myself in the past few years. I just turned 29 and I feel like I have found more about myself in the past 5-6 years than I did before. I have come to understand some things about myself that I no longer try to hide or deny. Here is one of those things: I am very particular. You could call it high maintenance, or pickiness, or something like that but I'm going to call it being particular because I don't really see my thing as a selfish behavior, just who I am. I used to think that I could eat whatever, but it turns out that I'm very picky when it comes to food (this is probably a subject for a different post, I'm talking about something else today). Today I would like to talk about "going out".

So last night, we got to hang out with some friends and go to dinner, a supercross (dirt bike) event then went out for a friends birthday party. Sounds innocent enough. I really enjoyed dinner. We went to a fun, very popular mexican joint in Salt Lake, called Red Iguana. There was six of us. We had a few drinks, a yummy meal and good conversation. We laughed a lot. Then off to the supercross event. This is when I started to get a little grumpy. I didn't really mind the walk to the stadium, or walking to our seats. I didn't mind sitting down in the stands and enjoying the event. I really enjoyed watching the first few races. But then the rain really started coming down. I was prepared for it, rain pants, rubber boots with thick socks, a rain jacket. But then it just kept raining. I looked under my seat to discover my purse sitting in a puddle of water. This is the turning point of my mood I believe. I'm very controlled, a bit OCD probably, about my things. So I was kinda upset about this discovery. But I sucked it up, went and got myself a mug of hot choco. I even brought my environmentally responsible reusable mug and the dude told me that he wasn't supposed to sell me the hot choco to put in my own mug, he was going to give me the styrofoam mug. I agreed to pay the higher price even so I could use my own. Lame. I drank my hot choco, then went back to my soggy seat. I got colder and colder. Luckily I did not get wet. Towards the end, it really started to rain, so I went back to the hallway to stay out of the downpour and found myself getting even more cold and grumpy. By the time the even ended, luckily it stopped raining, I caught the last few laps of the final race, and we trekked back to the car.

After discussion, though I would have MUCH rather just gone home, we decided to drop by the friends birthday party. Well, here I am in my rubber boots, wool jacket, horrible hat hair and sort of bad mood. We go to a bar (actually a nice one at that) to meet up with a bunch of very drunk, nicely dressed beautiful people. Bars are definitely NOT my thing. Luckily it was well lit, sort of spacious (for a bar), not smoky and the music wasn't terrible. However, it has become abundantly clear that this is not my scene. This is what happens in situations like this:

I find a corner, wall or post to stand next to. Last night, I was clinging to the banister at the bottom of the stairs. I look around at the beautiful people with their perfect hair, nice clothes, high heels, and confidence. Then I look at myself. I have self identified myself as the DD, so I'm not drinking. I'm talking to someone who needs to scream in my face so that I can hear him over the music. I'm self conscious about how my breath smells cause I have to yell back in his face to respond. I don't have a voice that I feel like I can even yell, so my responses become very short. Then the birthday boy comes over to say hi and he is totally hammered. What do you even say besides Happy Birthday? But I'm glad I got to wish it to him, even if he won't remember. So I stand there, look around, get even more "out of place". I don't have the fancy tank tops and nice jeans. I don't have the boobs to fill them anyway. I don't have nice hair and makeup.

This situation is not my thing - this much I know. I love hanging out with friends. I love doing that at a restaurant where we can hear each other or at home where I'm comfortable (and not clinging to a support beam). I like that my friends and family like me just the way I look and I don't have to sport a fancy top that shows my non-existent cleavage. I absolutely LOVE that my husband likes me just the way I am and I don't have to go to bars to find someone to like me. So that is just the way I am. I'm not the bar type and you know what, that's ok with me. I'd rather be the skier girl type. Or the search and rescue girl type. Or the hang out at home with my dear family type.

Well, Happy Birthday to Max. Thanks James and Michelle for the great dinner and motocross event. Let's all go dirt biking together! And there is my two cents for today.

Cheers~