Monsters

Meet my friend “Guilt Monster”.  Well, I wouldn’t call it a friend so much as an acquaintance.  Guilt Monster is not quite as fun as the Cookie Monster.

 

Not quite as fun as Sully and Mikey from Monster’s Inc. either.

 

Guilt Monster (which will now be called GM) came along when I was quite young.  He was learned when I was a child, a good thing actually.  My parents loved GM cause he would always make me tell the truth, be a terrible liar and generally be very responsible and self-motivated.  GM has grown throughout the years and in 2009, he had a son and about 6 months ago had a daughter.  Let’s assume that GM looks like this:

 

Looks innocent enough right?  A fluffy monster, maybe a likeable one like Sully.  But really, he’s always lurking there for me.  Waiting for any opportune moment to strike, let me know what I should be guilty about, mostly about son and daughter. 

You see GM lives with me daily.  Well, actually, every single moment.  When I’m at work, I feel guilty that I should be with my kids, then I feel guilty cause I’m thinking about my kids and not about work.  Then I drive home, see my kids, feel guilty that I didn’t do more at work and guilty that I’m tired and worn out and kinda just want to put my kids to bed.  Then I feel guilty that I didn’t get up early to work out because daughter was up several times during the night, in which I feel guilty that I was mad at my husband for not getting up to help me when I thought he should.  I feel guilty when I eat crappy food and like it – a lot.  I feel guilty when I buy something, but then guilty if I didn’t and should have.  Well, anyway, you get the point. 

GM will rear its ugly head sometimes in moments of vulnerability.  Like when your awesome mom friends all have their kids potty trained yet Reed is older than all of them and refuses to try.  And that they can play music and know complicated words.  And when you get a note like this sent home from daycare:

 

Inevitably, Nora will learn to crawl during the day when I’m working, to the proud daycare worker (who I love) and I’ll miss that moment.  That hasn’t even happened and GM is in my heart ripping it out already about it.

I wish that I knew how to deal with GM, make him be a little less prevalent in my life.  Should I be happy that GM is around?  Does GM make me a better mom cause that means I care?  Or a better worker cause I know I could do more? Or should I let go of him and realize that life is just what it is and I’m ok with it – mostly. 

Well, anyway, that’s how I’m feeling today.